A Peek Inside Locked Doors

Single Mother Sorry

I hope he can understand that I didn’t enter into motherhood knowing what I lacked stacked behind books and pages of lessons others mothers and grandmothers of the world tried to teach young girls that decided to move forward with pregnancy regardless of the outcome of a father staying or leaving but having to raise a man. Let me start by saying sorry. 

I hope he can understand that I didn’t intend on giving him anything less than what he deserved in care, love, and protection but I lacked affection because the inner parts of me were still attempting to learn to love myself without affirmation from no one else and when he came I was still trying to figure out how to place what Love I found in myself in his mouth so he could grow and be happy unlike me who had become a stereotype; no longer a black queen in my own eyes. I didn’t see my own greatness baby, Mommy will do better. 

I hope he can understand that I never wanted him to face the fear of not being enough when my times and opportunities were too tough and I pushed him away in anger when all he wanted to do was play and make my day brighter than it was because In his world I’ve been his only truth to how happiness can begin and end but with me being overwhelmed trying to be everything for him I thought I lacked I overlooked that and lost the only friend I had please forgive me. 

I hope he can understand that I never intended to be both single and his mother not possessing the qualities I once had when I had the man that was his father by my side as a ride or die not riding nor dying for a cause once having a young boy to have to raise into a man and understand that he cannot be in love with anyone else until he will learn to ride the waves and die standing up, not laying down to a system of inadequacy or inefficiency, for himself. I do apologize. 

I hope he can understand that I didn’t enter into motherhood not understanding that all I lacked in the beginning was him and he is the only key that I needed to place into the locked door to Love myself. I hope he can understand that I didn’t intend to fall into love with the boy he is because I thought I lacked a man to give love to, until he looked me in my eyes and I realized that single motherhood won’t be my demise. I hope he can understand that I didn’t want to raise him without a man at my side but I needed him to myself for a while so I could learn to survive. By myself for US. Sorry, not sorry. 

Copyrighted 2018 by Tia Deas

Published by figurativekeys

Tia L. Deas was born in Orangeburg, South Carolina, on July 27, 1992. She grew up in Stone Mountain, Georgia and Cocoa, Florida, before settling in Norfolk, Virginia. She is the mother to a handsome son named Tristan Deas. She received her Bachelors of Arts in English Literature in 2016. She will receive her Masters of Arts in Teaching English in December of 2018. She is currently in her second year teaching 6th grade English for Norfolk Public Schools. Tia is a member of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority Incorporated and Order of Eastern Star. Her passion is affecting her community and the world. Tia enjoys reading, playing bingo, and traveling the world. Change is her motivation.

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