Death in Companion(ships)

Death in Companion(ships) 

A little part of me died

When I let go of the fact that no one stays

Yet you’re still here and all in the way

Of my condition to prosper despite the odds

When people leave and say goodbye

My tears no longer fall and I don’t crawl to any doors to beg for more of what I know I can give to myself

The lack of love that I feel is real because they could’ve stayed but if they did, you wouldn’t have come my way and made me fall into this love withdrawal that is based on the physical and mental aspect of not giving up

Yes this girl is tough and tenacity is what I have in my heart to stay together and not fall apart when you finally reach your goal or purpose and tell me that you always knew that I would be better off without you.

A little part of me died.

When I let go of the fact that everyone leaves

Yet you came back around and still give me what you think I need: companionship.

Copyrighted 2018 by Tia Deas

breakKNOWLEDGE

Break Knowledge

breakKNOWLEDGE

I’m tired of being left behind and I can’t lie

I’m frustrated with the purpose of being impactful and tactic in the way I speak

So you will know to change your ways and make better days to come

Because you’re still young in mind and time so you can fix all the things I couldn’t.

I’m tired of being undervalued in price and peace

I’m frustrated with the practice of being regulated by standards of people that didn’t have to walk in my shoes and exist how I live but give all the common advice to problems that they didn’t deal with it and that’s just it.

I’m tired of being used and abused and picked at from perimeters to determine angles of how you’re going to get to me or get at me because I’m finally following my dream. 

I’m frustrated with the perception that my complexion deems me less than what I really am and compares me to statistics and missions that are greater than me. And though my tenacity is real and this isn’t a big deal, I’m tired.

And I know I need a break.

Copyrighted 2019 by Tia Deas

A Peek Inside Locked Doors

Single Mother Sorry

I hope he can understand that I didn’t enter into motherhood knowing what I lacked stacked behind books and pages of lessons others mothers and grandmothers of the world tried to teach young girls that decided to move forward with pregnancy regardless of the outcome of a father staying or leaving but having to raise a man. Let me start by saying sorry. 

I hope he can understand that I didn’t intend on giving him anything less than what he deserved in care, love, and protection but I lacked affection because the inner parts of me were still attempting to learn to love myself without affirmation from no one else and when he came I was still trying to figure out how to place what Love I found in myself in his mouth so he could grow and be happy unlike me who had become a stereotype; no longer a black queen in my own eyes. I didn’t see my own greatness baby, Mommy will do better. 

I hope he can understand that I never wanted him to face the fear of not being enough when my times and opportunities were too tough and I pushed him away in anger when all he wanted to do was play and make my day brighter than it was because In his world I’ve been his only truth to how happiness can begin and end but with me being overwhelmed trying to be everything for him I thought I lacked I overlooked that and lost the only friend I had please forgive me. 

I hope he can understand that I never intended to be both single and his mother not possessing the qualities I once had when I had the man that was his father by my side as a ride or die not riding nor dying for a cause once having a young boy to have to raise into a man and understand that he cannot be in love with anyone else until he will learn to ride the waves and die standing up, not laying down to a system of inadequacy or inefficiency, for himself. I do apologize. 

I hope he can understand that I didn’t enter into motherhood not understanding that all I lacked in the beginning was him and he is the only key that I needed to place into the locked door to Love myself. I hope he can understand that I didn’t intend to fall into love with the boy he is because I thought I lacked a man to give love to, until he looked me in my eyes and I realized that single motherhood won’t be my demise. I hope he can understand that I didn’t want to raise him without a man at my side but I needed him to myself for a while so I could learn to survive. By myself for US. Sorry, not sorry. 

Copyrighted 2018 by Tia Deas

A Peek Inside Locked Doors

Get the Fuck Out

But I’m serious though in the most unapologetic way…
No knocks on my door but it’s open and there’s a stranger in my home….
You came in uninvited, wiped your dirty feet on my clean floor, and didn’t even concern
yourself enough to close my door…
I could not see myself kicking you out without having even welcomed you in.
Washed your feet using only what steps you took to find me… but forgot to ask you what
direction you see yourself going with or without me…
Gave you some socks to protect your scars of abandonment, the cuts of confusion, the calluses of mismanagement from others…
Lotioned the fears of tomorrow with hopes and dreams of peace and contentment in a home built and meant for you and possibly me…
But then I had to give you some shoes so you could walk out the very door you came in… still open…
Sigh.
Hopefully I fixed with care what your ex couldn’t with those torn bandages of heartache… and loved you the way I shouldn’t to make the wounds heal…
So my get the fuck out won’t hurt you like the footprints you left in my heart, I mean home, do…as I’m closing my door.

Copyrighted 2018 by Tia Deas